Where Is My Mind?
by Cally Starkiller
Summary: He still thinks he's Admiral. He still thinks he works in an office. He still thinks he works for the Republic. And he still thinks Revan is coming back for him.
1. where is my mind

**Author's Note: I know that canonically that Revan is male and that his love interest was Bastila. But I discovered one of my older stories and re-edited it, added more scenes, revamped the vocabulary, and such. I'm trying to get back in the groove of writing more fanfics, and reviewing other people's stories. Hopefully I'll be back fully sometime soon. For now...**

**I own nothing.**

**All Hail Bioware. **

**Read. Review. Roadkill. **

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><p>Carth went through the datapads, tossing some in the trash bin while archiving the others. He absentmindedly tugged his unruly hair back and kicked his feet on top of his cluttered desk. With a bored sigh he glanced around the room, barely giving the great view of Telos a second look, and noted a fallen holodisc that was several feet from his desk.<p>

Waving his hand as if in dismissal, he continued organizing his datapads, tired and exhausted. The job of being of Admiral was stressing enough and every time he got a break, he took a well-deserved nap. But now…he couldn't make himself sleep.

Looking over at his holoframe of him and his reunited son, Dustil, he fumbled around with it. Dropping it in the process of examining it too closely, he silently cursed and bent over to pick it up. He set it aside and leaned back in his swivel chair, slowly starting to doze off. But something was stopping his slumber every time he closed his eyes. A force of some kind.

With a frustrated groan Carth stood up and looked at the holodisc on the ground, giving it a curious look over before walking over to pick it up. He carefully brushed his fingers against its cold surface, dust flying off. It was clear he hadn't touched this disc in an unimaginable amount of years. He couldn't even remember having such a thing in his possession. "Comes with being old, I suppose…" Carth muttered with a bitter laugh, running a hand through his graying hair again. A habit he never did get rid of.

"Might as well figure out what this thing does." He managed to open its contents and a hologrammic figure appeared. He set it down on his desk, squinting at it. He tried hard to decipher who this person was but all he earned was a throbbing headache.

She was a female, tall and her figure covered by familiar armor…but he still couldn't figure out who she was.

She started talking, the image obviously a recording, and her small grin was never gone even as she spoke. The tall woman was saying, "Mr. Onasi. I regret having to abandon you on such short timing. And right before I give my answer to you."

The mysterious stranger held up her hand, something circular…a ring was present on her finger. "This is my promise to you that I will come back. And that finally I will settle down. But after this final mission. The call of the force is something that not even I can ignore. But when I come back, I will put down the lightsaber…for a time. And then perhaps…"

The woman holds up her hand again. "**This **can happen. I'll come back. Don't I always?" The image disappeared, the recording over.

Carth stared at it for the longest time, none of which the woman had said igniting any kind of recognition. His forehead wrinkled with concentration, he glanced down at his own two hands. There was no ring.

Carth heaved a sigh, shuffling back over to his chair and sat down, hoping to finally gain some sleep. He was going to need it.

.  
>.<p>

_"Ladies and gentlemen! Draw your eyes to the center ring! We have a special presentation in store for __you! They've been banned. They're illegal. And we have one right here for you! A DEATHMATCH! To the left, we have Bendak Starkiller! A man so fearless, he makes his opponents shake in their boots. If any of them were still alive! Hahaha!"_

_ "And to the right, we have our recent newcomer. She's made her way to through the ranks, beating all of our local duelists. Here she is…the Mysterious Stranger!" _

_ Carth was looking from the seats in the balcony, head shaking in clear disapproval and brown eyes wide in slight concern for his fellow soldier; his grip on the railing was tight making his knuckles whiten. He watched the deathmatch with reluctance, hoping that his Republic partner would make it through. He'd hate to have to find Bastila on his own…_

_ The person known as the Mysterious Stranger, also known to Carth as Kal Malek, gave a small bow and wink up at Carth and turned to face the armored man who was known to all as Bendak Starkiller._

_ Starkiller pulled out his dual pistols, aiming directly at Kal. She just kept on grinning, dodging the shots and grenades with less then graceful moves, nearly breaking a limb as she rolled away from another grenade. But yet she still survived._

_ Carth pulled away his hands from his gaping mouth as Kal pulled out her standard vibroblade. He had forgotten they were strapped for credits even when Kal managed to single handedly win every single match, but they had spent the winnings on medpacks. Which meant no upgrade on a vibroblade for Kal. _

_ He winced as he saw a shot graze Kal's shoulder, her yelp heard from even where he was standing. Kal clashed blades with Starkiller, her amateur blocks and hits barely standing strong against Starkiller's strengthened hits. _

_ But Kal's determined face and scoundrel skills held as she continued to block his blade, left and right. Starkiller managed to slash a cut across her cheek and down her chest. Her ragged dirty white shirt was barely holding together as she tightened her grip on her blade. _

_ Carth couldn't take it anymore. His hands were inching near his own pair of pistols, eyes shut tight so he couldn't watch the rest. He didn't think he could handle seeing her being killed in a ridiculous deathmatch. Right before he made a decision to either leave or keep on watching, the obnoxiously loud voice of the announcer interrupted his train of thought._

_ "The fight is over! The deathmatch is over! Bendak Starkiller is down! Bendak Starkiller is down!" _

_ At those words Carth snapped open his eyes and peeked down at the gruesome scene. He couldn't tell if the blood on Kal's face and brown vest was hers or Starkiller's. But her triumphant smile distinguished any thought of giving the young woman a lecture._

_ "All hail the Mysterious Stranger! The best duelist of all time!" _

_ . _

_ ._

_ ._

Carth's hand jerked, still sound asleep as his memory induced dream continued.

.

.

.

_"I'm sorry." Carth said in a quiet tone as she approached the young woman. She gave him a confused look but a second later she suddenly understood._

_"If anybody should be apologizing, it should be me. I shouldn't have kept on prying into your personal life. I just…wanted to get to know you better, that's all. I meant no offense." Kal bowed her head a little in shame, awkwardly shifting her weight around. "I understand not wanting to give up too many details about yourself. I'm not exactly an open-book myself."_

_Carth seemed genuinely surprised by her words. It's been forever since someone tried to understand why he is the way he is. With a soft smile he said, "You know. You're like no other woman I've met."_

_ "I could say the same to you. But then again, you're no woman so that might be construed as inappropriate." That same grin she always wore appeared but this time, there was a sense of realness behind it. _

_ He couldn't help but return it. _

_ ._

_ . _

_ ._

He leaned back further in his seat, a loud snore accompanying his action.

.

.

.

_ "You're a neophyte Padawan who's been saddled with the responsibility of tracking down these Star Maps. Why? That's not normal!" He argued, feeling left out of the loop with all this Jedi business. _

_ "Maybe it isn't and maybe it is. You think I wanted this? No, I got dragged along for the ride, just like you. This is not the life I wanted but here it is. A Jedi. Who would've guessed that somebody like me could be a Jedi, let alone as an adult, when all my life I've been nothing but a simple 'scoundrel'." _

_ "Enough arguing. We need to get a head start on finding those Star Maps." Bastila appeared out of nowhere and she was already heading up the ramp. But by her look alone Carth could tell something was wrong, that she was disturbed by their conversation somehow. A pat on his shoulder caused him to drop the matter and he followed Kal and Bastila into the ship. _

_ "I'm just being paranoid…"_

_ . _

_ ._

_ ._

He tossed and turned in his sleep, sitting in awkward positions on the chair he was sleeping in. But still he continued sleeping.  
>.<p>

.

.

_The pair stared out into the seemingly unending expanse of water. Despite being on a neutral planet where at times it felt like the Sith and Republic would attack each other at any minute, they felt at ease. Comforted by each others company. _

_ Over the course of time during their travels together, trying to find the Star Maps, the two had been able to discuss what had been bothering Carth for so many years while Kal simply tried to ease his state of mind. Arguments had occurred but both of the refused to sleep while mad at each other so they dished it out, one calling another a name while the other only laughed. _

_ She even helped reunite him and Dustil, his son, back on Korriban. It was disconcerting, the lengths she went to try and help him or others. After that, he learned to trust her and even came as far as to care for her. Hell, maybe more than care for her. _

_ He glanced over at her, seeing she was still staring at the sunset. A moment later she looked up at him, eyebrow raised. "Something wrong? A Sith behind me? Manaan is finally succumbing to the influence of the Sith?" _

_ "No, nothing like that." He reassured her, watching as she returned her gaze towards the sky. He joined her soon after, brown eyes scouring the sky and waters for nothing in particular. _

_ …just simply enjoying the small peace time with one another before having to risk their lives again…_

.

.

.

He shifted again in his seat, the swivel chair creaking under the weight.

.

.

.

_His knees nearly buckled, feeling suddenly weak and light-headed. The woman he had been traveling with, the woman whom he shared feelings with, the woman he had come to trust and care for, this woman was Darth Revan. _

_ Immediately a dozen theories flew into his mind…that old familiar distrust flaring up again. But he couldn't help but imagine what must be going through her mind at the moment. He stayed silent, watching as Darth Malak, Bastila….and 'Revan' argue. Carth was having a hard time processing all of this. From what he could distinctly hear, 'Revan' kept on denying her identity but soon…she turned on Bastila. _

_ "How could you use me like this? I thought the Jedi were above this. You're no better than the Sith, Bastila." She retorted, her voice slightly quivering. Her bright blue eyes were narrowed, clearing speaking her true feelings. Betrayal. Confusion. Mistrust. _

_ They were the same things he was experiencing. He wanted to hate her, all of them, but he simply couldn't. _

_ He was about to interrupt them until he and Bastila were frozen in stasis, watching helplessly as 'Revan' turned to attack and take on Malak on her own. _

_ . _

_ . _

_ ._

A shiver ran through his body, unexplained feelings and sudden realization hitting him hard but yet he still continued to sleep.

.

.

.

_"She resisted the dark side. She resisted Bastila's offer to join her. She did it." Juhani beamed, retelling of what had happened to the crew of the Ebon Hawk on the beach. Jolee didn't want to admit it in front of everybody but he was immensely proud of what Revan had accomplished. _

_ All the while Revan had remained silent, mind elsewhere. Carth noticed this and slowly made his way toward her until he was directly in front of her. "I did it." She whispered in a happy tone, a diminutive smile slowly working its way on her face. _

_"You did it." He whispered back. _

_ "I love you." She said quietly, in an almost questioning tone of voice, a little unsure if he would return it._

_ He only responded with a kiss. _

_ . _

_ ._

_ ._

Carth jerked forward, sweat beading on his forehead, wrinkled hands shaking. It all came back to him in a flash. The unending conversations, the shared passion, the adventures they had, the spoken promises, the departure and heartbreak…

It was all there.

A knock resonated from the door and Carth mumbled a quick 'come in'. It was Dustil. Suddenly he stood up from his seat, knocking it over. "She's coming back! Revan. I remember her now. She'll be coming back any day now. We're going to get married you know…just like we planned."

Dustil groaned, shaking his head pitifully. 'It's one of those nights again'. It hadn't happened in awhile but every time it did, it nearly broke his heart to see his father this way. His father was slowly deteriorating, growing older and older with each passing year. He still thought he was an Admiral. He still thought he had to come here in this office and do paperwork.

And he still thought Revan was coming back.

"Dad. Let's get you home." Dustil guided his father out of the room, listening as he went on and on about the missions he accomplished with Revan, the plans they had made together. Dustil couldn't muster up enough courage to tell his father the truth. Besides, in the morning his dad will have forgotten it all.

It had been at least a good four or five decades since Revan had left for the Unknown Regions, chasing a vision that was probably untrue. Dustil hated that she had left him here with a promise. A promise that was never going to be fulfilled. But that promise was the only thing that kept his father going every day, regardless of whether or not he remembered it at times.

"She's coming back Dustil. I can feel it. She's coming back…"


	2. everything is ending

**author's note: last chapter based upon wolverinesdarlin's review. written at three o'clock in the morning so please forgive any mistakes or sappy dialogue.**

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><p>"She's late."<p>

"I know."

"Did she run away?"

"I don't know.."

"It must've been important. She wouldn't abandon me on the day of our wedding."

There was silence. Dustil wanted so much to correct him, to tell him everything, to yell at him, anything at all to stop his madness. His father had once told him a very long time ago that Revan could be incredibly spontaneous but also willing to settle every once in awhile. She would always want to travel across the stars and visit new planets or sit down and watch holovids on a rainy night. She had told him it didn't matter what they did, so long as they were together.

That was the part Dustil couldn't really believe. If she really wanted to be with him, she would've taken him with her on whatever path her vision led her.

The two stood on the empty platform near the docks of Telos. They did this every so often, whenever Carth would jump out of bed and run to Dustil's room to exclaim that tonight was the night before their wedding and that he had to get ready. For some reason, these were becoming recent occurrences. He hadn't done this in awhile and Dustil really thought he was getting better. But the doctors said he wasn't. In fact, he was getting worse.

Dustil had set up an arrangement with the Republic representative here on Telos to help his father. They kept Carth's old office open and set up the way it was before. They sent old reports to his office every so often. It was the least they could do for the former Admiral.

Carth told him that he had met a former friend of Revan's long ago. She was known as the Exile and was a General in the Mandalorian Wars. He asked her if she knew Revan's whereabouts. The Exile, of course, did not know. She didn't know a lot of things to be honest because she had disconnected herself from the galaxy for a time after losing the Force. Carth had explained to her that the ship she was in was Revan's old ship. And that now here she is, without Revan. The Exile would go on to follow Revan into the Unknown Regions, beyond the Outer Rim. Before she left, Carth asked her that if she were to ever find Revan to tell her simply that Carth Onasi is waiting. But The Exile never returned and neither did Revan.

"She left me, didn't she?"

"Dad..."

"She ran away the night before our wedding. I could've helped her, you know? Could've helped her save the galaxy, to help her with whatever it is she is doing."

Dustil turned towards his father and all he could see was the last strand of hope fade from his aged eyes. It wouldn't be the last time he would have to see that again.

"Is she dead?"  
>"I-I don't know.."<p>

"No. No I would feel it. I feel like I would know. There's just this...emptiness where she used to be. She's seared onto my heart. And I'll never forget her."

Dustil takes his father home after that and by morning, he has forgotten everything again. This cycle seems to never end but it has to. One day, he'll simply flare and fade away forever. And that'll be the end of him, the end of the stories. Because as his father likes to say is that they're all stories in the end, especially the story of Revan and Carth. The story of The Exile. The story of him, the story of any one single person in this vast galaxy. It'll all end soon enough..

The bright florescent lights of the clinic blind him. He can see faces he knows he won't recognize or remember, all these distorted shapes and figures. That same emptiness is still there but he doesn't know why. It feels like something should be there, someone there to hold his hand. He should be flaring right now. That moment where he truly feels like himself, where he can relive his old memories, where his story comes back to retold just before he fades away.

One brief fleeting question enters his mind and suddenly leaves.

"Where is my mind?"

And that's when he starts to fade...

"Am I supposed to be meeting someone?" Carth can barely talk now and that's when Dustil knows it's almost time.

"Why don't you ask her yourself?" Dustil turns to see the figure in front of them wearing that old familiar armor and old familiar face.

"Who is she?" With those three words, he breaks her heart.

"What...?" Revan's voice cracks as she faces Dustil for an explanation.

"He's been like this for years now. He doesn't remember you." Dustil can barely contain the grief he's feeling right now. He's conflicted about her return. He has so many questions. But none of that matters right now, for the moment.

"At all or-"

"No. Every so often he'll remember everything and then he'll tell me all about how you're going to come back one day. But that hasn't happened for several years. Only recently did he remember something. He said it was the night before your wedding and that was when you started running."

"I never ran away. I went to stop...something horrible."

"And did you? Was it worth keeping him waiting?"

He never got a reply.

"He said he would wait two thousand years if he had to."

"I would too. But it looks like we only had to wait thirty six years."

"Thirty six, really?"

"No. More like forty."

"I think it's been more than forty years."

"You're right. And more than forty years is not fair. I made him wait a lifetime. And I haven't the slightest idea what to say him."

"Tell him.."

"Tell him what?"

"Tell him everything. Because he can't remember a thing right now and I don't want him to die without knowing the great wonderful life he had and that he was once important. Give him that, please."

Revan made her way over to Carth's bedside. "Who are you?"

"I'm a story. In your head. You might remember me a little." When Carth slowly shakes his head, she continues. "Let me tell you the story of Revan and Carth Onasi and the days that passed. Maybe you'll remember me then. Because we had the best of times. It was, you know. We had a ship, you see, and it was called the Ebon Hawk. We stole that ship together and we sailed across the stars, you and me. And the times we had..."

Revan went on to tell him of their first meeting on the Endar Spire, the start of their friendship on Taris, the mission to find the Star Maps, their growing romance, everything. She told every single detail, right down to his sense of distrust at finding out her true identity to her leaving him in the end. And Carth could feel that flare coming back, it was blooming and growing within.

"I thought that if you could listen to these stories you'd be able to hang on somehow. But now when you sleep and fade away from me, you'll have your memories back. Or maybe you won't remember me still. And I'm really sorry, believe me, I am. Everything is ending and I can hardly believe it. I wish I could've seen this sooner, this moment. You don't have a single clue as to what I'm saying, do you?"

"Everything is changing..." Carth can scarcely get a word out now but he manages for he's fading quicker now. "Please stay.."

"I'll stay until the end of time, if I must." Revan grabs his hand and she knows this will be the last time she'll be able to hold his hand.

"I remember you." Carth struggles to get his last words out. "These hands. They're old man's hands. How did this happen..."

"Because I made you wait. I don't expect you to forgive me on this one." Revan can feel herself breaking down now, slowly the calm face of composure she had earlier before she entered this room starts to melt away.

"No...no...I wouldn't have missed this moment for the world..." His breaths are slower and the heartbeats grow more still.

"Neither would I. Besides, you really don't think I wouldn't have tried my best to see your stupid face one last time?"

Carth laughs but it pains him and that's when the tears start falling.

"I can't think of what to say..." The tears blur her vision as she grips his hand tighter. "...I love you."

"It's been awhile since I've last heard you say that..." Carth spends the rest of his remaining energy to hold her hand tighter. "Revan...I-"

Carth Onasi has flared and faded away.

And so their story ends.


End file.
